I'm Still Here Page 6

  "I have an ex-fiancée who still pops up from time to time." We got out of the car and headed toward the door. I stopped before going inside.

  "Not that it's any of my business, but how often is time to time?" I couldn't help but wonder if this was going to be an issue. Was she the type to lie in wait and put a horse head in his bed?

  "Whenever our hospital shifts overlap. She's a doctor also."

  Oh no. Even worse. I knew where this was going already. "Let me guess, Melissa?" I was proud of myself for leaving off the 'Demon' part.

  He cocked his head incredulously. "Yeah, how did you know? Have you met her?"

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  My burger arrived, juicy and greasy, and so large I was worried I'd dislocate my jaw trying to eat it. I couldn't wait. I knew that this being a first date and all, I should cut the burger in half and eat it daintily. But no, I picked that sucker up with both hands and took a big 'ole bite. Damn it was good. The bacon and the cheese and the special barbeque sauce, in combination with the pretzel bun (the man who invented the pretzel bun is a genius, by the way), brought happiness to my mouth. I had been grocery shopping on such a limited budget, and hardly ever ate out, that this burger (and steak fries, and beer) seemed like a luxurious gourmet dinner to me.

  "I take it it's good?"

  Rob was politely eating his Reuben, looking civilized. I'm pretty sure I looked like a caveman eating. "It is so very good. I haven't had a burger this good in a while."

  "You looked a little, um, satisfied over there. I was getting jealous. I was hoping to bring that kind of look to your face."

  "You're bad!" I threw my balled napkin at him. I had gone through several napkins already. Did I mention that I was a messy eater? I loved chicken wings but refused to eat them in front of anyone I wasn't already in a serious committed relationship with. Because if the guy was on the fence at all about me, after seeing me devour wings, he was sure to be out of here. "It's been a while since I've had a good burger. I don't eat out much anymore."

  "Why not?"

  "No fun eating alone. I only moved here about six months ago and I haven't met many people outside of work."

  "Work ... let me guess ... middle-aged, burnt-out women, overweight cops and pedophiles."

  "Yeah, pretty much. Kind of slim pickins. Jillian Reznik at work actually talked me into going to a speed-dating thing, but I chickened out. I went to the store, bought Ho Hos and Fritos instead, and wound up getting my car totaled. It was a kickass night."

  "But that's when you met O.K., right?"

  I was surprised that he knew this. Did that mean O.K. had been talking about me? What was he saying? Was it good stuff? Why was I thinking about O.K. when I was on a date with this super-hot guy. "Yeah, he was at the accident scene. Then, after waiting in the E.R. for over four hours, he showed up. I thought he was some creepy stalker guy and accused him of hitting on me. I didn't know he was a doctor there to see me. And the best part ... I was covered in the powder from my airbag deployment, as well as the remains of the Ho Ho that I was shoveling in my face when I was rear-ended and then T-boned."

  "I bet you looked totally hot."

  "Totally." I smiled. He smiled intensely back at me. I needed to deflect the attention off of me for a minute. "Tell me a little bit about yourself."

  "That is way too open ended for me to be able to answer."

  "Okay, I told you an embarrassing story about me. You tell me one about you."

  "Okay, I will keep it in the food-related mishap genre. So, while I was in college, I was dating this girl. She was from California, and was, um, rather focused on her appearance."

  "That's being nice and tactful."

  "Well, she had a killer figure. She was gorgeous and had aspirations of being an actress. I had met her while I was doing some modeling on the side to help pay the bills."

  Looking at him, it was not hard to believe at all that he had been a model. "Where did you go to school?"

  "This was when I was at NYU for undergrad. So we were in the city, and went to this little hole in the wall Italian restaurant. The food was out of this world. We ate our dinner, and things were really going well. I was on my game and fairly confident that after dinner, um, well, you know."

  "Third date?"

  He laughed. "Yeah, pretty cliché, I know, but I was twenty-two and thought I was all that. So we ordered dessert. I was really impressed that this girl would order dessert. A lot of girls won't eat in front of a guy, especially the models. I hadn't really paid attention to the fact that she had gone to the bathroom at least three times during dinner."

  "Oh no."

  "Oh yes. Now, I would realize that a female who is 5'9", weighs one-hundred and fifteen pounds and eats more than I do probably has some serious issues. She had eaten about half of her tiramisu, and then pushed the plate away and went to the bathroom. I figured she was done, so while she was in the bathroom, I ate the rest of it. When she came back, she freaked out on me."

  "Because you had eaten her dessert?"

  "Yeah. She started ranting and raving about 'did I know what she had to go through to be able to maintain her figure?' and stuff like that. She basically told me that she had purged to make room to finish her tiramisu."

  "Oh, that's gross."

  "That's not the worst part."

  "How can it be worse than that?"

  "Because she then picked up her fork and stabbed me with it."

  "She did not!"

  "She did so! I have the scar to prove it." He held up his hand, and in the dim light of the bar I could faintly make out four tiny dots on the back of his hand.

  "Okay, that may just beat Ho Ho cream in my eyebrows."

  "You didn't say that you had the Ho Ho cream in your eyebrows. Oh, no, you definitely win."

  Conversation with Rob was easy and it was fun. There were a lot of innuendos and flirting. It was pretty obvious what Rob had in mind for later, but it didn't seem to bother me that much. Maybe because he exuded sexual confidence. Maybe because I was lonely and was in a dry spell. Maybe because he was working hard on getting me drunk. Either way, it was all good with me. Too soon the band started its warm up, and then it became harder and harder to hear each other. We stood up and walked over to the back of the dance floor, directly in front of the band. Somehow, I always had a beer in my hand. No sooner had I finished one, when another magically appeared. I glanced sideways at Rob. He'd had a beer at dinner but now was drinking soda.

  I leaned over and motioned for him to lean down so I could yell over the band into his ear. "Why do I feel like you're trying to get me drunk?"

  "Is it working?" He turned slightly and yelled back at me.

  "Perhaps. Maybe my next one should be a water."

  "Buzz kill."

  I playfully elbowed him and tried to ignore the sparks that touching him ignited. Shit, it was going to be hard to be well behaved later.

  The band was awesome. They played a lot of '70s and '80s music, but threw in some early '90s alternative here and there. The male lead singer had a great vocal range, and several of the band members played different instruments to vary their sound. The lead singer looked to be in his early or mid-thirties, while the rest of the band seemed closer to forty.

  As a result of attending all of Aster's shows when she was in bands (plus the fact that my parents were anti-television, so we only had a radio in the house growing up), I knew pretty much all of the songs the band played. They were playing a lot of classic rock. Stuff the older people in the bar seemed to enjoy, but older than my demographic. It didn't bother me—I knew all the songs. And, when I drink, I sing. So, before I knew it, I was singing along pretty loudly with the band. By this time, Rob and I had moved up a little closer and I was standing directly in front of him. The singer noticed that I was regularly singing along and called me up there.

  "You in the front, Red! You've sung along to every song so far. Time for you to get up here!"

  I laughed and shook my head.
I was not the one who got up in front of people and sang. That was Aster. My voice wasn't terrible, but I lacked the confidence that Aster had possessed in spades. The singer called for me again, and led the crowd in a chant of, "Red! Red! Red!" Even Rob joined in. Since I had been drinking rather steadily for a while, it suddenly seemed like a great idea. I drained the rest of my beer, and shrugged out of my blazer, handing both the bottle and the blazer to Rob before I marched up to the band.

  The singer asked me if I knew the song that they wanted to play, which, of course I did. The classic rock duet, a hit in the late 1970s had been popular in our house. My brother, Augustus, hated it. Every time it came on the radio, Aster and I would call him in, telling him his favorite song was on the radio. I still smiled every time I heard it, thinking of how gullible he was every single time.

  I knew every word of the song and was ready to go. The lead singer gave me a few instructions and helpful tips, and then the band started to play. There was barely time for my nerves to kick in. As soon as I started singing, I felt awesome. Okay, perhaps that was my liquid courage. Either way, I felt comfortable up there with the lights blazing in my face and all eyes on me. The lead singer and I had an instant chemistry that was almost magical. The words came easily, I think I was in tune, and I was even able to dance a little without looking like I was having a seizure. I think. I hope.

  I was surprised at how I could really see the faces in the crowd. Rob was smiling and laughing. He looked like he was proud of me. He had a devilish twinkle in his eyes. The lead singer was engaging, and it was fun playing off him, singing the duet about the couple promising forever to each other just so they could have sex in the back seat of the car. I felt like such a natural up there. Too soon, I was hitting the last note of "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights," pulling the mike away as I faded out. The crowd erupted in applause. They were chanting, "Red!" over and over.

  "How 'bout one more? Got it in you?"

  I couldn't resist. I was hooked. It was fantastic being up here. I could see why Aster liked it so much. The second song, a Jim Croce classic, hard to believe, was even more fun to sing. I sort of didn't want to be done after the second song. The crowd was again chanting "Red!" I threw my arms up in the air and took a big bow. As I returned to the upright position, I saw the woman standing at the very back of the bar, right by the door. She was staring at me. I stared right back. Her hair was shorter than it had been, but there was no denying it.

  It was Aster.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  I tried to get through the crowd as quickly as I could. I kept pushing, but people were in my way. I kept my eyes on the back of the bar, trying to find her again. People kept stepping in front of me, stopping to tell me what a great job I had done. Normally, I would take the time to relish the compliments. I didn't have the time for that right now.

  Aster.

  I was certain it was her. Sure, her hair was shorter than she used to wear it, and she was a bit heavier than she had been when she ... died? Disappeared?

  I faltered for a moment. What if I had been wrong all this time? What if I had not been looking for her all this time when she was out there? What if I had given up hope when I should have held out hope?

  I couldn't think about that now. I had to know. I had to find her. I finally reached the door and threw my weight against it to push it open. The air had turned chilly and it assaulted me. I was hot and sweaty from being on stage and I crossed my bare arms over each other. I looked right and left. There was no one out there. There were no cars that were pulling out of the parking lot either. Where could she have gone?

  I sank down on the curb, all that adrenaline draining instantaneously. Elbows resting on my knees, face in my hands, I questioned everything.

  "Hey—you okay? You ran out so fast."

  I looked up to see Rob standing over me. From way down on the curb, he seemed so tall. He must have sensed the height discrepancy was too much for me to handle and sat down next to me. He asked again, "Are you okay?"

  I shook my head. "I don't know."

  "Did you freak out about being up on stage? You seemed so confident up there until you bolted. I would never have guessed that you were nervous."

  "I ... wasn't. I mean, I was a little nervous getting up there but it was fun. That's not why I ran out."

  "Oh, why?"

  "I ... thought ... I. Shit this is crazy. I don't know." I wagged my head back and forth in disbelief. What was happening to me?

  "Esther, I don't know you all that well, but I know enough to know that something just happened. Did you have too much to drink?"

  "No, I don't think so. Maybe. I honestly don't know what to tell you." I wanted to tell him what happened. I really did. Before I could even get the words out, the lead singer of the band came up.

  "Red! You were awesome up there. Why'd you split like that?"

  Rob looked at me expectantly. I looked from Rob to the lead singer and stood up. Rob stood up with me.

  "Sorry, I guess I needed some air," I mumbled. It was lame, I know, but it was all I could manage at that moment.

  "Red, you ever sing in a band before? You got some serious chops."

  "Nah. I have done some mean sessions of karaoke when I've been totally lit though. I never got your name, by the way," I said, easily deflecting the course of the conversation.

  "Name's Albert."

  I looked at him. He was probably around my age. Short, buzzed brown hair did nothing to hide the male pattern baldness creeping in. Large silver earrings in each ear and a full sleeve of tattoos. Nope, definitely not an Albert to me.

  "You gotta name, or you gonna stick with Red?"

  "Esther."

  "Never in a million years would I have pegged you for an Esther."

  "Well, I wouldn't have pegged you for an Albert, so I guess we're even then."

  I looked up at Rob and smiled gently. I could not let him know what had happened. He would think I was bat-shit crazy. Maybe I was, but I didn't want anyone else to know it. I tried to summon up some bravado.

  Rob smiled down at me and held me steady, his hands gripping onto my arms. I smiled back, drawn into his presence. I couldn't help but lick my lips, staring at his.

  Albert cleared his throat. "Hey guys, remember me? Still standing here. I can tell you are ready to get out of here, but I need to get Esther's info."

  I tore my gaze away from Rob and looked at Albert. "Why do you need my info?"

  "That's why I came out here. Well, I wanted to make sure you were alright, but I also wanted to talk to you about doing some gigs with the band."

  "Me?"

  "Yeah, we've been talking about adding a female sound for a while. We've tried the same stunt that we pulled with you tonight a few times, but we just usually end up getting some really drunk chick who sounds like a dying cat. The guys thought we hit the jackpot with you. You interested?"

  "I have no idea. I never really considered it before. My sister was in a band. It was always her thing, not mine." I paused for a moment. It had been fun up there. Maybe I should at least think about it. "You know, I'll think about it. Let me give you my info and give me a call. I think I should at least explore this."

  "Hell yeah you should."

  I swapped info with Albert and he went back inside. As I slid my phone into my back pocket, I turned to Rob. "You wanna get out of here?"

  "What did you have in mind?"

  Could he still be interested in me? I mean, this guy was Hot (with a capital 'H'), and we had really seemed to be hitting it off. He had appeared to like it when I was singing. He had looked almost proud that I was with him. Of course, then I go and act like a super-freak, tearing out of the bar like my pants were on fire. Chalk another one up for Esther the Awkward.

  Once back at my apartment, I let him in and he made himself comfortable on my super comfy but otherwise impractical white couch. Rob refused the offer of a drink and sat patiently while I made myself a cup of chamomile tea. With my steamin
g mug in hand, I sat down on the opposite end of the couch, tucking one leg under me and faced him.

  The sad thing was, in this moment, I really needed a friend. I wanted someone to talk to. I looked at Rob, lounging on my couch like a lion watching his prey. He was hot and he was sexy. I was lonely and really needed some comfort. I really didn't know this guy from Adam, but he was there and he was willing. I needed to figure out if I was.

  I put my tea down on the coffee table and leaned back, fatigue washing over me. Even after seven years, Aster was still exhausting me, sapping my energy. Crap. Here I was with this super-hot guy who appeared to have one thing on his mind and all I could think about was my sister.

  "Can we talk for a few minutes?"

  "No, I'm done talking."

  I straightened my spine and bristled at that response. "What's that supposed to mean?"

  Before I could get another word in, he leaned forward and kissed me. Gentle at first, but it quickly deepened and grew hot and heavy.

  Oh, that's what he meant.

  Yeah, I was fine being done talking too.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  I tossed and turned. Another night of no sleep. I was too hot, then too cold. My pajama pants kept creeping up and getting tangled on my legs. I had a headache. I got up, took some Advil and drank a glass of water. I munched on some pretzels, dipping them in the jar of peanut butter. Tired of eating, I laid back down, but wasn't even drowsy. I tried to read, but the words made no sense swimming across the page in front of me. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, sleep was not going to be a reality for me tonight. Too many thoughts were running through my mind with the force of a freight train. I tried to slow the train and analyze the thoughts. Aster ... singing in a band ... hallucinations ... was I going crazy? ... Rob ... mmm, kissing Rob ... Okay, that train had officially derailed.

  I gave myself a few minutes to ponder the Rob situation. He was really very attractive. If I had to be honest, which it was hard not to be at three in the morning, he was too attractive for someone like me. Other than the hair that made me stand out (usually because it was standing up), I was pretty average looking. I was just on the shorter side of average. Other than my hair, I was non-descript. If I had been blessed with the straight mouse brown hair that Veruca, Violet and Mike had, I'm sure I would have always blended into the background. As it was, as a child, even the bright red curls often did not prevent me from being overshadowed by the life force that was Aster.