Hold Her Down Read online

  Hold Her Down

  Kathryn R. Biel

  HOLD HER DOWN

  Copyright © 2014 by Kathryn R. Biel

  Smashwords Edition

  ISBN-13: 978-0-9913917-2-1

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is purely coincidental.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excepts in a review. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation with the author's rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  Cover photography by William LeBlanc.

  Cover design by Becky Monson.

  DEDICATION

  To the real people in my life who bear no resemblance to the fictitious ones in this book: Mom, Dad and Patrick.

  To Jake and Sophia, my reason for existing.

  And to Uncle Eddie, I know I get my stubbornness from you. This is a good thing, and I will always wear it proudly.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Michele Vagianelis makes all things I do possible. She is a one-woman sounding board, agent, publicist and fan club president, with a little bit of hustler thrown in. Michele, I'd be no where without you. I'm sure you'll remind me of that when we're old and senile in adjoining rooms at the old folks home.

  Sue Rys, as always, thank you for taking a sneak peek and letting me borrow your name, not to mention all of the sound advice you have dispensed over the years.

  To the ladies at Chick Lit Chat: I've learned so much and am humbled to be included in such a lovely and talented group.

  Special thanks to fellow authors Heather McCoubrey and Jayne Denker for beta reading, and to Becky Monson who not only took me under her wing and taught me tons, but then created my fabulous cover for me.

  I have a great team of editors, who find my every mistake and teach me all about good grammar. Thank you Cahren Morris and Karen Pirozzi. Everyone needs the Cahren/Karen combo.

  The incredible cover photography is by the tremendously talented William LeBlanc, featuring the lovely Nina Jade Napoletano, with hair and make-up by Alayne Curtiss. It is surreal but unbelievably awesome that this team took my words and made it into a beautiful picture. Thank you!

  Gossip is never fatal until it is denied.

  –Booth Tarkington

  PROLOGUE: December 1992

  It all started the winter she turned sixteen. She had been kissed by exactly two boys. She was young and naive, impressionable. Within two years, she would lose her virginity and know what it was to really have her heart broken for the first time. But that was yet to come.

  Liza met Jack through mutual friends. He attended the rival all-boys military high school, while she attended the co-ed Catholic high school in the same town. He was a junior, while she was a sophomore, due to her late birthday. In fact, most of her friends were juniors since she never found her niche with her own classmates. Jack knew her friends from grade school and church. Liza first met Jack while working a church Christmas party. It wasn't her parish, but she wanted to hang out with her friends, and they were obligated to do this in preparation for confirmation. He was there. She was immediately attracted to his outgoing wittiness. Later that day, the entire group, including Jack, was going sleigh riding. Liza desperately wanted to go too, but her parents wouldn’t let her. She pouted and acted like a brat, being miserable while her father insisted she go Christmas shopping with him. The entire time, all Liza could think about was Jack, and how she was missing out on a chance to spend the afternoon with him.

  Her spoiled, surly mood was slightly lifted when she arrived home to a surprise Sweet Sixteen birthday party. Liza was shocked, as her mother was not the doting type to spoil her only daughter with such extravagance. Her parents had actually done a wonderful job of inviting all her friends, even though they were mostly in different grades than her. And somehow, Jack was there! She was not able to spend much time with Jack, but she felt really, really special that he had come to her party, even though they had just met. Although she barely knew him, she was immediately infatuated. Much like a sixteen year-old could be. He wasn't over-the-top handsome but had a friendly face, with mischievous blue eyes and light brown hair. He wore it short, as was dictated by his military school but had the fashionable flop of hair descending over his forehead and encroaching on one eye that was so stylish in the early 1990s.

  From their mutual friends, Jaimie and Tara, Liza learned that Jack had just broken up with a girl named Dani. She went to the public high school in town. She was, apparently, a brute of a girl. Very tall and thick, and tough to boot, with short, dyed orange hair and Doc Martens. Someone reported that she was scary and often got into fist fights. She was rumored to be very "experienced" with both genders. She was certainly everything Liza was not. But despite her petite frame, long, permed curls, preppy clothes, feminine nature and naïveté, Jack seemed interested in Liza. He flirted with her and teased her. Liza, in her innocence, knew nothing about being on the rebound.

  That New Year's Eve, the whole crew ended up at Jaimie's house. Jaimie and Liza had become good friends last spring. They were in several extracurricular activities together, including the school play. Jaimie had just gotten her driver's license and was the first non-family member that Liza was allowed to ride with. Despite the fact that Jaimie lived way outside of town, she frequently hosted parties. The parties were tame, compared to those held by other sophomores and juniors. There was music. Often, they watched a movie. The Little Mermaid was just out on video and was a favorite amongst the girls. Surely the boys put up with it for the sake of the girls. There was no alcohol. They were a band of nerdy kids who wouldn't have been able to figure out how to get into trouble, even if they had wanted to. Liza could not imagine anything scandalous really happening there. On the other hand, she did not have a vast library of experience to know what could happen.

  On this night, Liza found herself talking to Jack. Despite the fact that he was only a year older, he seemed so knowledgeable and worldly. He did not like the mainstream pop music that Liza listened to. He listened to REM and Nirvana and Morrissey. He was certainly experienced in ways that Liza had never really fully considered, or even truly understood. Somehow, towards the end of the evening, Liza and Jack found themselves sitting on the floor in an empty room, side by side, leaning against the wall. It was an odd room, possibly a dining room, but there was no furniture in it, save a few potted plants. The rest of the gang was in the other room watching the TV. The more they talked, the closer together they leaned, so that their shoulders were almost touching. Then, almost without warning, Jack leaned over and kissed Liza. She was unprepared, but delighted. She had never kissed someone without officially dating him first. She had never casually kissed someone. The kiss was tender and deep, and stirred what Liza would come to recognize as passion much later on in life. His hands wandered up and down her torso, slowly inching in on her breasts. She sharply inhaled as his hands caressed her. To her, this kiss, this fondling, this fifteen-minute make-out session sitting on the floor, meant so much. She had never allowed someone to touch her like that. After all, she was not the type of girl to get to second base with just anyone. This meant something. Just like in the movies, a kiss must mean love.

  After, they acted as if nothing had happened. Liza wondered if anyone could tell by looking at her what she and Jack had done. Much to her c
hagrin, Liza and Tara had to leave earlier than the others, having stricter parents and earlier curfews than the rest. Liza told Tara what had happened while Tara's parents drove them home. Tara, although older, was even less experienced. All in all, Liza was very happy with the way things were going. Sixteen seemed to be a good year so far.

  Two days later, just before returning to school from the Christmas break, Jaimie called Liza. She informed her that she and Jack were officially dating. Apparently, it began after Liza had gone home. Liza didn't have the nerve to ask Jaimie if she knew that Liza and Jack had kissed. She didn't want to know. Because Jack's betrayal hurt enough, and she did not think she could take deliberate betrayal by her friend. Jack stayed with Jaimie for quite a while. Liza never got the details, but it was pretty much the end of her friendship with Jaimie. Those common extracurricular activities became tense. Play practice, which used to be so much fun, now brought tension and anxiety. Liza could not understand how her friend could do this to her.

  But more, she did not understand how Jack could do this to her. Didn't that physical act mean something? Jaimie, like Dani, was the physical opposite of Liza. Where Liza was petite and girly, Jaimie was rough and tall. In her anger, Liza thought that Jack must be secretly gay. He seemed to like these girls who were taller than he was and manly as well. Liza was angry for a long time. She felt deceived. She didn’t understand what she had done wrong. Finally, in a brazen act, she questioned Jack. He told her she was too innocent for him. It was a slap in the face. She knew she was innocent but had never seen that as a bad thing. Plus, no one asked her if she would ever do anything bad. They just automatically assumed she wouldn't.

  After that, Liza tried to date a good friend of Jack's to make him jealous but just couldn't get into it. Holding his hand made her feel dirty. Her friend group shifted slightly, and she didn't hang out with Jaimie and Tara's crowd quite as much. She didn't want to have to see Jaimie and Jack together. She bounced from group to group, looking for people who would accept her. Liza threw herself into community theater and chased desperately after boys there. None ever really returned her attention, although one did take pity on her and went with her to a semi-formal. Jaimie and Jack were there. Liza held her head high, walking past them without even acknowledging them.

  Not surprisingly, Jaimie and Jack did not last, and Jack moved on to a girl who was a year younger than Liza, although built similarly to Dani and Jaimie. Liza still did not understand it. She was petite and pretty. She was intelligent, in all honors classes. She was a cheerleader and dancer and could sing fairly decently. She had the lead in the musical. She could never quite understand what Jack saw in these grunge-band, Birkenstock and flannel wearing, solidly-built girls. Perhaps she was not smart enough, or not deep enough. Perhaps she was cute, but not actually attractive to members of the opposite sex. Many lonely Saturday nights she pondered what could be so wrong with her.

  Eventually, Liza talked to Jack again. He was too engaging and charismatic not to. Talking to him made her feel alive and vibrant. But she always made sure to hold him at arm's length. Though, in the grand scheme of things, he was the first man to ever betray her trust. He would not be the last. Rather, he was the first in a long line. However, at the tender age of sixteen, it felt like the world's largest betrayal. He was the first man who made Liza feel not good enough for some inexplicable reason. He made her feel that she was not special enough to be with. But still, he was interesting to talk to, and, in a chivalrous gesture, agreed to escort Liza to her senior prom, despite the fact that he had just finished his first year in college.

  He was a fun date and attentive, although Liza had no real interest in him at this time. She had totally put up a wall where he was concerned. He was a good sport about it. As they stood, with his arms around her waist, waiting for the photographer to capture immortality, he whispered in her ear, "In twenty-five years, you'll wonder who is this strange guy in this picture with you." It made Liza laugh, and that is the moment the photographer captured, Liza with a warm smile on her face. Still, the night ended at a friend's house with them kissing. There were too many layers of clothing, between her frothy dress and his tux, to have much real contact. She could tell he wanted more, but she was too guarded with him. She was preparing to go away to school, and wanted to do so without attachment.

  About a year later, Liza and her friend Jenna, both home from their first year away at school, went to visit Jack and his friends. Liza, as had been her habit all freshman year, drank excessively, and draped herself on some random guy, one of Jack's fraternity brothers. The presence of alcohol in her system heightened her behavior, always desperate for any sort of male attention. She ended up making out with him, much to Jenna's disgust and Jack's apparent anger. After she had kissed the random friend, Jack was obviously angry and refused to speak to Liza. Apparently, he had had other plans for Liza. Irony of all ironies. It was the last time they spoke.

  CHAPTER ONE: October 4, 2010

  Most days Elizabeth Zurlo felt that her life had somehow swallowed her up. She no longer knew who she was inside. The external forces in her life defined her whole being. She was Peter's wife, Mrs. Zurlo. She was Teddy and Sydney's mom. And at work, where she was a preschool special education teacher, she was Miss Elizabeth. A lifetime ago, she had been known as Liza, but no one called her that anymore. Despite this wide array of titles, Elizabeth no longer knew who she was inside. Her life was a chaotic mess, running from one place to another. Trying desperately to balance the demands of motherhood, running a household, being personal assistant to her ever-forgetful husband, and taking care of her students' needs. There were simply not enough hours in the day to do all this and care for herself as well. It was hard to believe that one can be burned out by the age of thirty-four, but that is exactly how Elizabeth felt. Burned out, used up, empty. She was in desperate need of a recharge.

  She sighed as she filled out the dry-erase board for the month. It was already the fourth of the month, and she was behind, just putting the new month out now. It was only the second month of school and she was behind the eight ball. She was painfully anal as she color-coded the activities for the family. Feeling that if she could neatly organize her life on the board, then it would fall into place in reality. Black for her, red for Peter. Blue for Teddy and purple for Sydney. A little orange pumpkin on Halloween. Slowly, square after square became filled in, until there were only about five empty during the entire month. Dance lessons. Piano lessons. Baseball. PTA meetings. Dentist appointments. Work meetings. Birthday parties. School projects. No school next Monday. This was Elizabeth's life, month after month. There would be no break, no recharging this month. She copied the information to the calendar from her ever-trusty iPhone, knowing full well that no one in her family ever looked at the calendar. But still, she tried, knowing the key to a smoothly running household was clear communication.

  She turned away from the calendar and noticed the crumbs all over the floor. She plugged the vacuum in and did a quick sweep of the kitchen. She parked the vacuum in a corner of the kitchen, carefully moving the cord out of the way. Peter hated that she left the vacuum out. But he was too passive aggressive to have an actual battle about it. When he noticed it, he would carry it down to the basement to get it out of the way. Elizabeth used it almost every day to clean up after Teddy and Sydney, and after the cats, and after each meal. She would turn around, looking for the vacuum, only to find that Peter had helped her by "putting it away." Predictably, she would then lose it and start yelling at him. Anyway, Elizabeth had no desire to repeat this fight yet again, but did not want to carry the vacuum up and down the stairs either. It was another thing that made Elizabeth tired. And it was only Monday morning.

  Elizabeth yelled up the stairs to the kids and they came barreling down, pushing and shoving. Each one wanting to be first. "Stop guys," she warned.

  "Mom, he pushed me!" Sydney whined.

  "Did not, you cut me off!" Teddy replied, shoving his sister. A
few more jabs were thrown while the pair descended the stairs.

  "ENOUGH, BOTH OF YOU!" Elizabeth yelled. "Someone is going to get hurt!" The shoving continued. "SIT DOWN NOW!"

  Elizabeth started slamming cabinets and dishes. She saw Peter coming down the stairs, and couldn't miss the dirty look he gave her. He hated her yelling, but he never looked at why she was yelling, only that she was. She turned her back, took a deep breath, re-arranged her face to something more resembling calmness, and turned back to face her children. Anything to avoid conflict this morning. While Elizabeth busied herself getting her children breakfast, she noticed Peter standing in front of the calendar. Wonder of wonders, he even seemed to be looking at it! Then, as if guided by the hand of God, Peter picked up the red marker and Elizabeth was dumbfounded. Never in the five years since she had been using the board had Peter ever written on it, save a random phone number here or there. It finally gave Elizabeth a glimmer of hope on a gray, October Monday morning. A smile started to spread across her face.

  That was, until Elizabeth saw what Peter had written. "You're going out of town this week? Again?"

  "Yeah, project meeting in Michigan. They need me to go over what we’re doing here and help set up the facility out there, so they can start testing."